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IS THERE LOVE NORTH OF OLIVE?
What could be a more citrus catharsis 20 minutes after a breakup than writing a dating guide? It will benefit both the February reader and this humbled writer to get right to the business of exploring dating in this town. Surely a wounded heart is a savvy heart. Ah, but there's no room for bitterness here because now is a time for making new friends, am I right?
And I hope that we too can be friends. One needs all the friends one can muster because making new friends is the way to date successfully in Fresno, California. Let's face it: You have dated your friends and your friends' friends and they have dated your friends, and somewhere in all this, sex began to feel illegal in a very bad way.
Sisters, brothers, we must branch out!
"But where?!" is the desperate reply. That is what Fresno Famous is here for, my shiny new friends.
Maybe not all these places are new to you, but based on the density of Fresno Famous' local readership (geographically speaking), it is certain that at least one of these places can yield novel action for any love-starved adventurer. Even if you've been there and done that, some of these hard-won insights may surprise you.
Here's our list of some of Fresno's hangouts and how to work them:
Located on what at some point in the distant past must have been a great street to be on, Van Ness, the Tower District's Club Fred is a good place to start the night if you're female. Ladies, when you return from the restroom and your drink tastes bitter, remember these rules: 1) Take just one more sip, two more if you ate a big dinner and 2) Get the hell out of there because nothing will kill a GHB high like being hit on by New Mickey Rourke's doppelganger.
More than any other place this restaurant and bar is responsible for ingraining the words "Champlain and Perrin" into the minds of all upwardly mobile Fresnans. Dress nice unless you want to be stared at without expression by a scene that looks something like a "Where Are They Now?" episode of Extreme Makeover. You can strike up a spirited conversation with anyone by mentioning real estate.
I don't see how anyone can say they've been bar hopping in Fresno if they didn't stop at Logan's. There are barrels of free, roasted peanuts all over the place. And you just throw the shells right on the floor! Everyone is 21, dressed like a Blink 182 video, and drinking fluorescent colored cocktails out of beer mugs, but I'm talking about unlimited, free, salty, roasted peanuts here. Located across from Riverpark on North Blackstone, Logan's Roadhouse is all the love anyone needs. Don't wear sandals unless you're Brad Gardenside, and you're not.
Nestled in Fresno's historic Tower District, Avalon is a pool hall with games, beers, and a cigar room. The real action is on the patio though, which is one of those places where everyone smokes weed but no one is sharing. The secret to meeting people lies in using pot to lure them up to your car or back to your nearby apartment. Say some nonsense about how you think too many people have totally forgotten about Tool ever since A Perfect Circle's debut album, and hark! was that Cupid's bowstring?
VENI VIDI VICI
A block North of Avalon is Vini's, but don't be fooled by the proximity. At Vini's, you can hear a jazz trio and order Gorgonzola ravioli. There are tiny, fancy lights that hang down low from the ceiling, the walls are painted warm colors, and the bartenders are tall and handsome. There's a lot more seating on the patio, and the patrons are totally different than at Avalon.
Marrying into money may not make you President of the United States, but it's still a worthy pursuit. Everyone at Fig Garden's Elbow Room knows this. Avoid the talkative people as they are there for the same reason you are. Avoid the young people because they are not yet rich and don't really like drinking or human beings anyway. Look for the well-dressed older ones who're playing coy. They're just waiting for sexy young somethings to wrench them away from their cold, heartless spouses.
I'm not even sure this place exists. I just heard about it, but apparently it's located at Ashlan and 99, and features a horror movie motif. The owner's smoking hot 22-year old daughter runs the bar, and 80's cover bands called Rock Candy and Metalhead play on the weekends. Are you kidding me? Just setting foot in this place (if you don't have to die and go to hell first) is a victory.